Who's got a good joke I can use tonight

[MU82]

My go-to joke:

A woman walks into a hardware store to buy a new hinge for a door. The salesman helps her find the hinge, leads her to the register and, before ringing up the sale, asks:

"You wanna screw for that hinge?"

"No," she says, "but I'll blow you for the toaster."

[Skatastrophy]

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick.

[Spotcheck Billy]

Go-to joke? That would be this one, although I usually draw it out longer and tell it to people I just met so they suspect I'm telling a true story until the punch line:

Ah man I was pulled over last night and almost got a ticket for hitting a cat that ran out into the street. While driving home from work last night, a cat ran straight out in front of my car. I swerved to miss it but was unable to. Just as soon as I hit the cat, a police car pulled in behind me and turned on his lights. When the officer approached me, he asked why I ran over the cat.

I told the officer that I just got off work and was very tired, didn't see the cat in time but swerved, hoping that I'd miss it anyways.

The officer said that it looked as if I swerved to hit the cat, but in any case, I needed to make restitution.

I asked the officer, "What can I do to make restitution?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure the cat belongs to the lady across the street. Why don't you tell her that you hit her cat and will pay for her to replace it.", the officer remarked.

So I walked up to the house, knocked. I told the lady that answered the door the story and said that all I had was $20 on me, but I hoped that would help her to replace her cat. The lady accepted the $20. Nervous, with the officer standing right behind me, I made a hasty retreat back to my car. When I turned around to look I saw the officer arresting the woman. At first I was confused until I overheard him advising the woman that in these parts it's illegal to sell kitten.

[CTWarrior]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

'What do you mean, almost?' the priest said.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.  He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[WellsstreetWanderer]

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:

Husband : I'm very concerned...my wife seems to be missing.  I think she went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant : OK, let's get a description so we can put out a missing persons notice.  What is her height?

Husband:  Gee, I really don't know exactly. Maybe about five feet tall.

Sergeant :  Build?

Husband:  Not slim, but not really fat either.  Probably somewhere between the two.

Sergeant :  Color of eyes?

Husband :  Oh gosh...you know, I never really noticed.

Sergeant :  Color of hair?

Husband :  Well, that seems to change a couple times a year . .. . I think it's kinda reddish now.

Sergeant :   What was she wearing?

Husband:   Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant :   Did she drive away in a car?

Husband :   No, she went in my truck.

Sergeant :   What kind of truck was it?

Husband :  Brand new white Ford F150 King Ranch 4 X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine, special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom "Bubba" floor mats, trailering package with gold balls hanging from the hitch. Just put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's.



At this point the husband started tearing up and almost started crying.

Sergeant:  Don't worry Bubba.......We'll find your truck.





















 












               

[CTWarrior]

A man had constant miserable headaches that wouldn't go away no matter what he did.  So he visited a doctor and got some terrible news.

"You've got an unusual problem," the doctor said.  Your testicles are compressed against your spine, causing nerve damage that leads to those terrible headaches.  I am afraid I am going to have to remove them."

After a long discussion the man agreed to the procedure.  A week later, after the operation was completed, the man left the hospital depressed, but his headache was completely gone.  Walking along the street, he saw a fine men's clothing store.

"Maybe a new suit will cheer me up," he thought, and entered the store.
 
He picked through the suits and a small, ancient man came up to see him.

"That's a nice one he said.  It will look good on you"

"Thanks, let me get the right size"

"No need," the old man said.  "You're a 46 long, right?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"I've been doing this for 60 years!  33 inseam on the pants, right?"

"Amazing, how do you do it?"

"I told you, I've been doing this for 60 years!  OK, you'll need a shirt.  17 neck, 34/35 sleeves, right?"

"Yes, you're incredible!"

"Like I said, I've been doing this for 60 years.  New shoes?  Size 11 narrow, right?"

"Yes again.  It's unbelievable."

"Not when you've been doing this for 60 years.  How about some new underwear, too, size 36 briefs?'

"HAH!" the customer smiled.  "Got you there.   I'm afraid you're wrong.  I wear size 34 briefs."

"Oh, no," the old man said, shaking his head.  "You can't wear size 34 underwear.  It'll compress your balls against your spine.  Give you a hellauva headache!"

[Lennys Tap]

The difference between the English and the Irish?

The English leave but never say good bye.

The Irish say good bye but never leave.

[Frenns Liquor Depot]

There were two Irishman (Sean & William) stranded at sea in a life-raft and nothing else.  They came upon a lamp floating in the ocean.  Sean reached down and grabbed the lamp and immediately began rubbing it.  As luck would have it a Genie popped out. 

The Genie said "now lads I am a special kind of genie – a little different than the ones you have heard about in the past – I grant one wish and one wish alone".

William immediately blurts out – "I wish the sea was made from God's one true gift to man – Guinness Beer!"

The Genie says "your wish is granted" and the sea changes as the Genie fades away

Sean says "William you idiot – now we are going to have to pee in the boat"

[muwarrior69]

You know why all Notre dame grads make the best astronauts?

They all took up space in school.

[warriorchick]

A man had constant miserable headaches that wouldn't go away no matter what he did.  So he visited a doctor and got some terrible news.

"You've got an unusual problem," the doctor said.  Your testicles are compressed against your spine, causing nerve damage that leads to those terrible headaches.  I am afraid I am going to have to remove them."

After a long discussion the man agreed to the procedure.  A week later, after the operation was completed, the man left the hospital depressed, but his headache was completely gone.  Walking along the street, he saw a fine men's clothing store.

"Maybe a new suit will cheer me up," he thought, and entered the store.
 
He picked through the suits and a small, ancient man came up to see him.

"That's a nice one he said.  It will look good on you"

"Thanks, let me get the right size"

"No need," the old man said.  "You're a 46 long, right?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"I've been doing this for 60 years!  33 inseam on the pants, right?"

"Amazing, how do you do it?"

"I told you, I've been doing this for 60 years!  OK, you'll need a shirt.  17 neck, 34/35 sleeves, right?"

"Yes, you're incredible!"

"Like I said, I've been doing this for 60 years.  New shoes?  Size 11 narrow, right?"

"Yes again.  It's unbelievable."

"Not when you've been doing this for 60 years.  How about some new underwear, too, size 36 briefs?'

"HAH!" the customer smiled.  "Got you there.   I'm afraid you're wrong.  I wear size 34 briefs."

"Oh, no," the old man said, shaking his head.  "You can't wear size 34 underwear.  It'll compress your balls against your spine.  Give you a hellauva headache!"

I heard Buddy Hackett tell that joke to Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show.  Must have been at least 35 years ago.  Of course back then, he had to be a little more vague.....

[Blackhat]

Blast from the past thread....

Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the hookers.
"How can you tell?" said the other.
"I can smell cock in the air" replied the first hooker.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped"

[TAMU, Knower of Ball]

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak?

Because its P is silent!

[StillAWarrior]

 
I heard Buddy Hackett tell that joke to Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show.  Must have been at least 35 years ago.  Of course back then, he had to be a little more vague.....

Buddy Hackett was fantastic.  He had an HBO special in the mid-80s or so that was unbelievable.  I'd love to see it again and I wonder how it would stand the test of time.  It was pretty "blue" for the time, but would be tame by today's standards.

[PuertoRicanNightmare]

Blast from the past thread....

Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the hookers.
"How can you tell?" said the other.
"I can smell cock in the air" replied the first hooker.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped"

This is great!

[Benny B]

The parish janitor is sweeping the floors on a Saturday afternoon when the priest pokes his head out of the confessional and motions for him to come over.

The priest says, "Bill... do me a favor.  I need to run to the bathroom, can you cover for me?"

"But father," the janitor responds, "I'm not a priest, I can't give penance."

"Sure you can, see this chart right here," the priest says motioning to a chart on his side of the screen, "when someone comes in to confess, just find their sin in the first column and give them the penance in the second column."

"OK father, but please hurry."

So a few minutes pass, and no sign of the priest when a man walks in.  "Bless me Father, I have sinned.  I stole several hundred dollars from my employer."

The janitor looks at the chart... STEALING: FOUR HAIL MARYS & SIX OUR FATHERS.  "Well, my child," the janitor mumbles, "say four hail marys and six our fathers."

"Thank you, father," the man says as he gets up to leave.

Another minute passes, and still the priest hasn't returned.  A teenager walks in, "Bless me Father, I have sinned.  I called my friends some very bad words."

Again, the janitor peruses the chart... TAKING LORD'S NAME IN VAIN: THREE GLORY BES AND FIVE OUR FATHERS.  "My child," the janitor says more comfortably, "say three glory bes and five our fathers and you shall be absolved."

"Thank you, father," and the teenager leaves.

This goes on for another three parishioners, and just as the janitor is starting to get the hang of things, a lady walks in.  "Bless me father for I have sinned.  I have cheated on my husband."

The janitor peruses the chart for cheating, but sees nothing.  So he looks up and down the column again and notices and notices "ADULTERY" but with several different sub-categories, so he asks the lady to be more specific.

"Well, after my husband went to work yesterday, the milk man came over and I, well, uh, I performed fellatio on him."

So the janitor looks back to the chart -- ADULTERY-INTERCOURSE, ADULTERY-SODOMY, ADULTERY-CUNNILINGUS, ADULTERY-FONDLING -- but he sees no sub-category for fellatio.  So the janitor starts to panic, and quickly looks out his door for the priest.  However, the only person in sight is Timmy, the head alter boy, who is sitting in the back eating a candy bar.

"Psst... Timmy, come here, quick.  Any idea what penance Father gives for fellatio?"

The boy responds, clearly puzzled, "fell-eye-shee-oh?"

"No, fellatio. Fell-ay-shee-oh. You know, a blow job."

At this, the boy's eyes light up, "oh yeah, of course, I know what that is."

"Good," says the janitor, "now what does father usually give for a blow job?"

"Well," the boy says, holding up his half-eaten candy bar, "I got this Snickers bar and a pat on the head."

[4everwarriors]

Crean's a wonderful coach and an even better human bein'.

[wadesworld]

Crean's a wonderful coach and an even better human bein'.

Haven't read this thread at all.  Saw you were the last reply and knew I'd get a good laugh out of this.  This is some of your finest work, 4never.

[MU Fan in Connecticut]

Crean's a wonderful coach and an even better human bein'.

The funniest one so far.

[Spotcheck Billy]

About an elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[real chili 83]

How many Packer fans does it take to change a light bulb?



Three.



One to change the bulb, and two to talk about how good the old one was.

[Lennys Tap]

Chico and two friends walk in a bar.

[MUUWUWM]

Who discovered the fuzz on Peaches




Peaches boyfriend.

[ChicosBailBonds]

Chico and two friends walk in a bar.

Still thinking about me all the time.....care to expand upon the known FACTS about Wade and where he could play.  Talk about a great joke...LOL

[Spotcheck Billy]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[TAMU, Knower of Ball]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

My priest told this joke during his homily a month or two back