Who's got a good joke I can use tonight

[real chili 83]

What do you get when you cross a pig with a Notre Dame alum?  Nothing, there are some things that a pig just won't do.

[real chili 83]

You are stranded on an island with a cannibal, a murderer, and Digger Phelps.  You have a gun, with two bullets.  Who do you shoot? 

Digger (twice).

[wyzgy]

this girl, wanting to surprise her husband for their upcoming anniversary with something different and special, decides to get a tatoo of his pet name for her on her back side.  so she goes to the tatoo parlor and tells the artist that she wants the name beautiful bottom tatoo'd on her bum for her husband.  he says it will cost her $25 per letter.  she thinks that's a little over budget, asks if he could just do the initials b-b instead.  so their big day arrives and as she and her husband get ready to exchange presents, she fore warns him that she did a little something different for him.  now jim is all excited and curious he asks, well let's see what you have.  so misty lowers her pants and panties and bends over to show jim his anniversary present.  jim is mildly pleased, but has a question-it's all very nice and all, but who is bob??

[ZiggysFryBoy]

Jose gets moved into a nursing home.  After a few weeks, his family visits him and asks how things are going.  "Great," he says. 

"You see that guy over there, he was a dentist.  Everyone calls him Doctor.

"That guy, he was the conductor of the symphony orchestra.  Everyone calls him the Maestro.

"The man over there, he was a world famous researcher.  Everyone calls him the Professor."

"What do they call you?" asked his son?

"Me?" Jose said proudly.  "Well, they call me the F*cking Mexican."

[Ari Gold]

Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows.
"That was a very nice thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."

A businessman was having an affair with his young secretary. Every Friday the two would leave work a few hours early and have sex at the secretary's house. When the executive returned home, he would tell his wife he had gone to a bar with his friends.
One night, the executive accidentally fell asleep at his secretary's house. When he woke up, he rushed to get dressed and told his secretary to rub his shoes in the grass. Eager to help, the confused secretary took his shoes outside, rubbed them in the grass, and handed them off.
By the time he arrived home, the executive's wife was waiting for him. She immediately asked him where he had been.
"I am not going to lie to you," he said, "I am having an affair."
His wife slowly looked him up and down, paused for a moment and said, "BS, you've been playing golf!"

"Doctor, won't you please kiss me?" asks the patient.
"No. You're a very beautiful woman, but it's against my code of ethics," replies the doctor.
"Please, just one kiss," she pleads.
"Sorry," says the doctor. "It's totally out of the question. I shouldn't even be f**king you."

[Skitch]

Why do Notre Dame grads keep their diploma on the dashboard of their car?

So they can park in handicapped spaces

[Blackhat]

There are four stages in life:

First you believe in Santa Claus, then you don't believe in Santa Claus, then you are Santa Claus, and finally you look like Santa Claus.

[Spotcheck Billy]

Irony


The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.

She wanted $800.00. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.

How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

[wyzgy]

middle aged dude needs to go to a doctor.  as he arrives for his appointment, he finds out his old doc retired and he's seeing a new younger, rather nice looking  female m.d.  upon seeing this, he gets very uneasy, telling the new doc that he, being a man and having man issues is a little uncomfortable engaging in a frank and open conversation about these.  the young female m.d reassures the man that despite her age and good looks that she is strictly professional and has seen her share of very personal issues come up and persuades the man to divulge his personal medical issue he came in for.  the man then reluctantly feels a little more at ease and exclaims, well, ummm,  my wife says my penis tastes kinda funny

[Silkk the Shaka]

Guy walks into a butcher shop.  He steps up to the counter and says to the butcher, "Looks like a nice flank steak ya got there."

Butcher says, "That it is.  Ya thinkin' about gettin' one?"

Guy says, "No, I'm gettin' that flank steak.  I'm THINKIN' about poontang."

[Spotcheck Billy]

At A Wisconsin wedding reception the D.J. yelled.

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death but is expected to survive.

[JD]

Think president George W. on this one...


What does the president and nylons have in common? 

They both irritate bush.

[ATWizJr]

Why does the Metrodome have astro turf?  To stop the Viking cheerleaders from grazing.

[Spotcheck Billy]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from an Aussie...
...just trying to help:


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Spotcheck Billy]

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"

[Benny B]

Two devout Mormons get married.  Both having been celibate to that point, the husband is looking forward to consummating the marriage that night.  However, the wife tells her new husband that she isn't quite ready.  At this the husband is discouraged and asks how long before she is ready.  The wife says she doesn't know.  Now distraught, the husband asks how he is to know when she's ready.  After pondering for a moment the wife devises a solution:

"Every night before bed, if you want to have sex rub my breast one time.  If I'm ready, I'll rub your penis one time."

The husband, not being satisfied with this plan, offers a compromise:

"Every night before bed, if you're ready to have sex, rub my penis one time.  If you're not ready, rub my penis seventy-four times."

[real chili 83]

Ok, I got nothin'.

This was a fun thread. Time to revive.

I was in Iowa today.  Why do all the trees in Minnesota lean to the south?  Cause Iowa sucks.

Why do the Iowa cheerleaders wear long skirts?  To hide the no-pest strips.

Like I said, I got nothin'.      

[Spotcheck Billy]

I actually got this in an email today from a buddy in Chicago

last night for halloween we had three Indian girls who are 11 and had on phone head sets..."what are you dressed as? " I asked..."Tech support."

[BubbaWilliams]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?


The Irish funeral has one less drunk.

[Spotcheck Billy]

A woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Boobsengolf."

[Spotcheck Billy]

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist And when we have REAL trouble, it's a... HISterectomy Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

[Spotcheck Billy]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the hell would you say?"

[Spotcheck Billy]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth.
I did.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too.
Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.
Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

[4everwarriors]

Crean doesn't suck.

[PuertoRicanNightmare]

A pedophile is walking through the woods with a little boy.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

And the pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I've gotta walk back by myself!"