Who's got a good joke I can use tonight

[rocket surgeon]

telling my doctor that i wanted a vasectomy-he saw whoa there, that's a pretty important decision you're making here...have you talked it over with your wife and kids?

  i told him yes, they are in favor 17-2

[Spotcheck Billy]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "Umm..."

Man: "Allright, how much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

[Spotcheck Billy]

https://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/1cn7i3y/doggy_likes_to_play/

[4everwarriors]

Sorry, I thought this was a joke. Unfortunately, its fact, aina?

[Uncle Rico]

"You remind me of my daughter"

[Lennys Tap]

A couple in their late 90s make an appointment with their lawyer. After exchanging pleasantries, he asks "What can I do for you?" The husband replies, "We want to get a divorce." The lawyer is perplexed and says, "A divorce? My God, you've been married for more than 75 years! Why, all of a sudden?" "Nothing sudden about it"says the husband. "We've been planning it for years. Just thought it best to wait til the kids died."

[Spotcheck Billy]

[Dickthedribbler]

Sven and Ole take a job at the local sawmill. One morning Sven tears out of the shop and starts running down the street toward Ole's house. As he runs up the driveway,  he's screaming to Olga ( Ole's wife):

Sven: Olga, Olga, come quick. There's been a
           terrible accident at the sawmill. Oles
           been hurt.

Olga: Oh, no.Vut has happened to my beloved
          Ole?

Sven: Vell, he vuz operating da big saw and
           he got too close to da blade and it cut
           off his finger.

Olga: oh my goodness. Vuz it da (w)hole
           finger?

Sven: No. It vuz da one next to it.

[jutaw22mu]

May have already shared this one earlier, but as someone who coaches teenages, this makes me chuckle:

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5, and 7?
---Because they can't even...

[rocket surgeon]

   bill comes from after  playing a round of golf to find his wife, zelda sitting on the couch watching tv-


      honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?

      Zelda tells him-i'd take my half and divorce you...

      bill says, oh...here's $6, I just won $12 on a scratch off on my way home-see ya!

         

[Shaka Shart]

   bill comes from after  playing a round of golf to find his wife, zelda sitting on the couch watching tv-


      honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?

      Zelda tells him-i'd take my half and divorce you...

      bill says, oh...here's $6, I just won $12 on a scratch off on my way home-see ya!

         

Not sure that holds up in court

[rocket surgeon]

Not sure that holds up in court

  if you would check the subject line of this thread...it's a JOKE

  anyone else posts this, you wouldn't have said a thing troll

[The Sultan]

  if you would check the subject line of this thread...it's a JOKE

  anyone else posts this, you wouldn't have said a thing troll

It wasn't funny though.

[Lennys Tap]

  if you would check the subject line of this thread...it's a JOKE

  anyone else posts this, you wouldn't have said a thing troll

Truth

[Shaka Shart]

  if you would check the subject line of this thread...it's a JOKE

  anyone else posts this, you wouldn't have said a thing troll

Responding to a joke with deadpan is also a form of comedy. Get your panties out of a bunch

[Shaka Shart]

Truth

Now that was funny

[Shaka Shart]

[Shaka Shart]

[Shaka Shart]

[lawdog77]

Why am I having flashbacks to Keefe and his New Yorker posts?

[rocket surgeon]

It wasn't funny though.

first, you need a sense of humor

[Lennys Tap]

Why am I having flashbacks to Keefe and his New Yorker posts?

The New Yorker cartoons are/were funny. Plaque's aren't.

[Shaka Shart]

The New Yorker cartoons are/were funny. Plaque's aren't.

Lighten up Leonard! We are all just here to have a goof!

[warriorchick]

Guy gets called into the HR department at work.

"We just got the results back from your random drug test.  It showed positive for heroin."

"That's because I ate a bagel with poppy seeds on it."

"You also tested positive for cocaine, marijuana, PCP, and crystal meth".

"It was an everything bagel."