Lean in. Embrace the groan. The worse the better. Let 'em fly.
I was fired from the orange juice cannery because I couldn't concentrate.
I didn't feel like cutting the grass. I lacked mow-tivation.
In the rainy pacific northwest, there was a neighborhood always competing to see who could get the latest stretchy gore-tex. Except one neighbor, Rudolph, who didn't have any money. So they never let poor Rudolph play in any raingear games.
When it comes to buy games at the AL, I can go either way.
Paddy O'Malley has a great job in Dublin. He has over 3oo people under him. He mows the grass in the graveyard.
Bono and the Edge walk into a pub. The bartender looks up and says 'oh, no, not you two again.'
Patient is experiencing some rectal discomfort so he visits his doctor. Doctor examines him and advises that he MAY have an abscess that might need to be drained. The following exchange takes place:
DOC: tell me, when you pass gas, does it make
an unusual sound, huun--da, huuun--da,
like a motorcycle accelerating or
someone clearing their throat, huuunda?
PATIENT: YES, Doc, YES, that's it. When I pass
gas, I hear huundaa, hunnda. Is this
serious??
DOC: OH my, no.We here in the medical
community refer to it as abscess
making the fart go honda.
Did you hear about the diminutive psychic who broke out of prison? There's a small medium at large!
What can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because its p is silent
I read about some zoologists who artificially inseminated an elephant with sperm from a rhino. The offspring will be interesting, but exactly what will it be called.? Hell if I know.
What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.
When I die, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Quote from: TAMU, Knower of Ball on July 06, 2023, 01:07:53 AM
What can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because its p is silent
Somebody got a father's day card this year. ;D
What's the scariest plant in the forest?
Bam-BOO!
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.
I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.
Good trade.
I hate when people come to my house and tell me I need to be saved or else I'll burn. Effin firemen
Bravo.
Quote from: tower912 on July 07, 2023, 05:59:31 AM
I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.
Good trade.
Similarly:
I saw a sign that said "watch for children." I'll miss the kids but this Rolex is really quite nice
I found a restaurant that serves the best baked egg dishes, but I won't say where.
I don't quiche and tell.
Fahrenheit, shouldn't have quit yo dey job, hey?
Quote from: tower912 on July 07, 2023, 05:59:31 AM
I got a decent used car for my 16 year old.
Good trade.
Here's how I heard that one:
President Clinton goes to the Arkansas/Texas football game. After an Arkansas victory he returns to Washington where, as a result of a bet with the governor of Texas, he deplanes with a live razorback pig under his arm. Sharing a salute with the Marine on the tarmac, he excitedly exclaims, "Look what I got for Hillary!" Under his breath the Marine replies, "Nice trade, sir."
Quote from: tower912 on July 09, 2023, 07:43:10 PM
I found a restaurant that serves the best baked egg dishes, but I won't say where.
I don't quiche and tell.
You're on fire with these dad jokes, Tower
What do you call an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
A person who lies awake at night pondering whether or not there really is a dog.
All the ladies are horny for Kenny G.
A lotta sax appeal.
The laptop that was on that Titanic explorer?
A Dell. Rollin in the deep.
The new neighbor is a beauty and has been sunbathing topless in her yard. My girlfriend gets pissed off about it, but me... well, I'm on the fence.
This one from Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner at Friday's Summerfest show:
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. Not sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.
my buddy hates when i shorten his name to dick...especially since his name is steve
tell any new parent not to go for the cheap circumcisions because they're usually rips offs
Quote from: Pakuni on July 06, 2023, 11:02:23 AM
What's the scariest plant in the forest?
Bam-BOO!
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.
Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
From climbing trees.
Quote from: tower912 on July 12, 2023, 02:26:51 PM
How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.
Different take:Q - How many Domers does it take to change a lightbulb? A - 30 - 1 to change it, 29 to reminisce about what a wonderful experience it was.
Quote from: tower912 on July 12, 2023, 02:26:51 PM
How many ND alum does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They hold it in place and the world revolves around them.
How can you tell someone is an ND alum? Don't worry, they'll mention it.
Quote from: StillAWarrior on July 12, 2023, 04:53:32 PM
How can you tell someone is an ND alum? Don't worry, they'll mention it.
How can you tell if someone is a vegan? No need, they'll tell you.
Quote from: tower912 on July 12, 2023, 04:55:53 PM
How can you tell if someone is a vegan? No need, they'll tell you.
And tell you...and tell you...
ad infinitum.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke.got him for Christmas?
He could feel his presence.
Hey, about those recent attacks by killer whales on boats.....
Do you think they were orca-strated?
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/0428ajVo9-E
I decided to marry two women.
I thought it was pretty big o' me.
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....
Quote from: Scoop Snoop on September 01, 2023, 10:05:28 AM
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....
Was that the same dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog?
Quote from: Dickthedribbler on September 01, 2023, 10:31:24 AM
Was that the same dyslexic atheist who didn't believe in dog?
No, but he did name his dog OTTO and his favorite rock band is ABBA.
Quote from: muwarrior69 on September 01, 2023, 01:21:38 PM
No, but he did name his dog OTTO and his favorite rock band is ABBA.
So. three termites walk into a bar and one of them asks "Is the bartender here?"
Quote from: Scoop Snoop on September 02, 2023, 12:29:46 PM
So. three termites walk into a bar and one of them asks "Is the bartender here?"
So, a tough looking pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says: "alright, I'll serve you guys. Just don't start anything."
So, these three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. THAT can't be a coincidence.
I learned how to sew buttons on and I can sew up a seam. But I never learned how to sew socks, darn it!
Quote from: tower912 on September 06, 2023, 06:19:29 AM
I learned how to sew buttons on and I can sew up a seam. But I never learned how to sew socks, darn it!
So?
Cooking show host to contestant, 'aren't you worried about only being known for your.creamy sauces?'
No. I am no al fredo that.
The giant goldfish are usually more social than this. They must be feeling coy.
How is Hurricane Lee hitting New England like the latest Star Wars offering from Disney?
It is Ahsoka.
There was a lot of debate, discussion, and arguing when, deep in the mine, they found a vein of rock that, when refined, became an old school anesthetic.
It was an ether ore question.
An anonymous benefactor has been putting autumnal blossoms out all over the neighborhood. We'll, somebody knows who is doing this but they're not talking.
Mums the word.
A dead man's soul ascends into heaven. St Peter is at the gates to confirm that the deceased has led an exemplary life.
St Peter: "Your reward awaits - a special place in heaven has been prepared for you! By the way, where did you live while on earth?
Dead Man: "Naples, Florida"
St Peter: "Er, um, I'm not so sure you're gonna like it here"
A singer/guitar player is entertaining a crowd at an outdoor cafe. After playing a request, he asks the customer "Where are you from?" "Naples", replies the customer. "Ah, Naples" say the singer. "That's where old people's parents live!"
Who was the first person to download from the cloud using a tablet?
Moses.
Why is everyone always so excited on Christmas morning?
Because there is no time like the present.
Legit story...
Archaeology students found dad jokes from Ancient Rome
https://www.npr.org/2023/04/01/1167432458/archaeology-students-found-dad-jokes-from-ancient-rome
My son plays the trombone and bass and therefore learned to read all of the bass notes. He is in a musical this year and it turns out he is a tenor. He is struggling to learn the treble notes. Will he figure it out in time? Tune in next week to find out!
This is called a clef hanger.
It's a little known fact, Normie, that the notes are different.
That is a clef Claven
What Christmas Carol do they play on a mental ward?
Do you hear what I hear?
Quote from: tower912 on December 21, 2023, 09:08:52 AM
What Christmas Carol do they play on a mental ward?
Do you hear what I hear?
...and, do you see what I see.
Rocket Surgeon's favorite hymn has to be:
Drum role, Crown Him with many Crowns.
What is the title of the physician who has to be available for any and all extreme emergencies over the weekend?
The on-call-ogist.
My daughter's dog got infested with little biting insects while visiting her future in-laws over the holiday. (true!) Driving back to Baltimore from SC, they stopped by the side of the road so the dog could get out and have a really good scratch.
So she got fleas pullovers for Christmas.
My father always said that when one door closes, another opens. He was a wise man.... but a terrible cabinetmaker.
He who lives by the tort dies by the tort.
Or....
He lives by the torte dies by the torte.
In Saudi Arabia, one of the lesser princes is in charge of all of the charcuterie platters.
He is the tray sheik.
Quote from: tower912 on February 03, 2024, 10:43:07 AM
In Saudi Arabia, one of the lesser princes is in charge of all of the charcuterie platters.
He is the tray sheik.
Studied under Sheik Yer Booti
If Herman Melville were alive today and writing about scoop, he would only have to change his titles slightly.
Typo
O-MU
Mopey Dick
When it comes to making tea properly,
There is a steep learning curve.
You know, not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
But that's how Julius Caesar.
With open house/graduation season upon us, many will be reaching out to neighbors to see who has additional place settings, Tupperware, cutlery, etc. Get it in writing.
Call it an extra dish-n treaty.
My neighbor asked me if I could give him a reference to a good septic cleaning company. I did so. Then he made the mistake of asking if we were happy with the work. Yes...really!
I texted that we were very happy with his service. I said he did a really crappy job, which was just what we wanted. I also said that we were the second job that day, so we were #2 on his list. Lastly, I added that the man was flushed with pride in a job well done.
I misplaced my car keys. I searched and searched and finally found them. Now, I feel fob-ulous.
when we had a house in lake Havasu city, the propane gas company's family name and name of the company was PASSMORE after grandpa Bob PASSMORE and hence the name, yes, PASSMORE GAS
they sold hats and shirts showing a dude with a wild look on his face, passing gas of course
How is an egg farm like my wife during the first cold snap?
All of the layers.
Tupperware...spoiler alert. They tried to keep a lid on it, but word got out.
My wife is baking a dish she has never tried for Thanksgiving this year. She is whisking a lot.
Is dat like twerkin', hey?
Two antennas got married.
The wedding was ok.
But the reception was incredible.
Nm. Too soon.
I went to the doctor and all he did was draw blood from my neck. That's the last time I ever go see Dr. Acula.
(credit to Mitch Hedberg, RIP).
Ball joints. Funny to say to your friends, funny to say at the dispensary. The opposite of funny when the mechanic say it.
Quote from: tower912 on January 08, 2025, 07:59:02 AMBall joints. Funny to say to your friends, funny to say at the dispensary. The opposite of funny when the mechanic say it.
It's all ball bearings nowadays
Quote from: tower912 on January 08, 2025, 07:59:02 AMBall joints. Funny to say to your friends, funny to say at the dispensary. The opposite of funny when the mechanic say it.
You: "So how much is this going to cost?"
Mechanic: "How much ya got?"
This site is known for scoopid takes.
Quote from: warriorchick on November 28, 2024, 10:49:40 AMTwo antennas got married.
The wedding was ok.
But the reception was incredible.
Aw, c'mon. That is a mom joke not a dad joke.
Actually a true story, but I think it still fits here.
My brother kept his sailboat in a marina in Virginia Beach and in one of the neighboring slips, a guy named his boat by flipping Sinbad the Sailor. The name of his boat was Sailbad the Sinner.
My brother-in-law got me with this one. He said it was an oldie but I'd never heard it.
My back was hurting and I was walking a little funny.
BIL: What's the matter?
ME: I got a bad back
BIL: I got news for you. Your front ain't so great, either.
How is this upcoming cold snap like a punch in the nose?
Both are going to give you black eyes (ice).
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. The people in Abu Dhabi do.
On a really cold day last week a sound tech told me this when we were discussing how cold it was (as people are wont to do):
Him: On the way to work this morning I saw two crows that were actually stuck together.
Me: Really...wow.
Him: Yeah...I think they were vel-crows.
Me: Groan...I'll probably use that.